However, at his own request, he is now going under a different title, "Dr. Bald Lion". True story.
As much as I like sharing his antics with those who care to read my blog, I did have high hopes for the semester to gain some sort of intellectual momentum and for the material to start explaining itself (since that clearly wasn't going to happen because of him).
It has not. And I will be okay with that as long as he continues to dish out these fantastic one-liners. My friends, I would like to start with the most memorable quotes from him this semester. Enjoy.
"Houses in Flynntown! Every house had a party and every party had a band and one of them was my band. I was a professor"
(That moment when you think he's about to tell the class his crazy college stories and then you realize he wasn't in college anymore)
"Are underground parties squashed? God, I hope not! Culture can't die!"
(Yes, the end of underground parties would be the end of life as we know it)
"I was in the bathroom at a party and a student rushes in and yells, 'The cops are here!' so we stayed in the bathroom and didn't get a noise violation"
(...that moment you wonder who in this world would invite a middle-aged professor and his band to your college party...and then you just realize he said his band hid in the bathroom while the cops were reprimanding students)
"Our problem is basically me and nothing else"
(You said it, not me)
"I have a love/hate relationship with Moodle...right now it's swinging toward hate but I don't have a reason for that except I'm an idiot"
(And then...dead silence while he awkwardly giggles in self-deprecation)
"If you didn't turn anything in the first two weeks, I'm not going to be too hard on you"
(His response to the students who haven't done their assignments yet)
"I've been bad, I'm gonna go to confession"
(no comment)
"Excuse me while I kiss this guy"
(Proceeds to clap like a seal)
"I took typing with a nun named Sister Electa. We were typing and she would fall to her knees and shout, 'He's here!!'. I was typing, I didn't know he was here. I didn't even know who he was."
(That may be the winner of all stories)
"I'm really wondering what I'm saying here"
(A recurring theme)
"That was the name of the band I played in. We called ourselves the One Drop"
(I will be sure to book them for my next party)
"I'm having this trouble today, maybe you think I'm having it all the time"
(If that trouble is educating, then yes)
"You two should fight over it!!"
(Sounds like a good way to settle classroom disputes to me)
"You guys have to do all the work today because I'm too paranoid to talk"
(Would that work the same way for being asked to participate in class?)
"I can't be interrupted when I'm on a rant"
(On raising one's hand in class)
"Are you telling me that these people I have crushes on are bland? What about Scarlett Johanson, she has powers!"
(On his love life)
"Wow you guys are having really good conversations today, I wish my material was that good"
(We all do.)
"If Stevie had a partner, they were doing it"
(On other people's love lives)
"What are you thinking about today? And by that I mean what have you been thinking about the whole semester?"
(Well that escalated quickly)
"I always like to throw women in there, wherever there is"
(sounds politically correct to me)
"It's not pornography, it's science! Or is there a difference?"
(You know, sometimes it is hard to tell)
"He looks like Viggo Mortensen!"
(On Jesus)
DCE -"My other students told me a line I should try in class...'Hey! I just popped some Mollies!' And then I'm supposed to lie on the floor and twitch...and then my nipples start bleeding, right?"
Student - "Who's in your class?"
DCE - "A bunch of drug addicts I guess"
(Please....never use that line again)
"Where do the drug pushers hang out?"
(In response to his own question, "Sexton")
"I sort of pictured myself looking a lot like George Clooney or Bradley Pitt. I live in an illusion, don't disillusion me"
(You had me until 'Bradley')
"I'm going to change my name to Mr. Bald Lion"
(On Snoop Dogg's name choice)
"I'm having some serious post-traumatic stress disorders when it comes to that text"
"I hope you guys come with stuff to talk about because if you don't, I'll flip out. That was when I collapsed"
"I threw up. I didn't plan it, but I think it was somewhat appropriate"
(On one of his previous classes)
"If I act weird, please forgive me...even though it might not be different from how I normally act"
(I shudder at the thought of him 'acting weird')
"I just want to show you that picture. It's like marijuana galore, eh?"
(omg.)
"So that's my poem. It's not much of a slam, I didn't want to be up there for two long"
(After reciting two words)
"In a little while, the woman takes off her shirt somewhat gratuitously"
(In-class film)
Writes on the chalkboard underneath the pull-down projector screen - "There! That's what you call subtext!"
(Julia - Dear God, what is this?? It's like a circus)
