I mean, you're pretty good looking, so that's 50% of the work
Thank you. I like to think I am. I mean, I'm hot as s***.
....you might want to use a better metaphor.
Laffalittle.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Heil!
There's this classmate of mine, this lovely specimen of a fellow, who must have a skewed perception of social norms and...our relationship? See, most people greet other people like this:
Sometimes like this...
Maybe this?
Sometimes like this...
Maybe this?
Occasionally....this.
But this person. Is the first person who has ever saluted me.
Life is strange...
Monday, December 17, 2012
Social lubricant.
You just can't take your friends anywhere.
My lovelies planned a surprise visit to the local brewery for my birthday last Saturday.
The first part of the reason this is funny is because....well...I don't know how to say this....my body had already had enough of the liquid they were offering me the night before. Surprise bathroom visit.
However, mouths loosen up when beer is added to the equation. Not my mouths.
Mi amiga was chatting up the bartender, talking about good ol' times and beverage preferences. Amiga starts a conversation with the following words:
"So I like beer now, but freshman year my drink of choice wa....."
"I mean....."
"After I TURNED 21, my drink of choice was..."
*awkward drunk giggles and silence*
Social lubricant.
That's all.
My lovelies planned a surprise visit to the local brewery for my birthday last Saturday.
The first part of the reason this is funny is because....well...I don't know how to say this....my body had already had enough of the liquid they were offering me the night before. Surprise bathroom visit.
However, mouths loosen up when beer is added to the equation. Not my mouths.
Mi amiga was chatting up the bartender, talking about good ol' times and beverage preferences. Amiga starts a conversation with the following words:
"So I like beer now, but freshman year my drink of choice wa....."
"I mean....."
"After I TURNED 21, my drink of choice was..."
*awkward drunk giggles and silence*
Social lubricant.
That's all.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
The People We Love
As a few of my lovely friends and I were chatting around a beer, the Hobbit release came up (as we were planning a major LOTR marathon the day before).
One of my friends goes, "What is the Hobbit? I have no idea what it even is."
Blank stares.
Facepalm.
"Oh girl."
"What?? It's like the last Harry Potter movie, right?"
...
Laugh at the people you love.
Manders
One of my friends goes, "What is the Hobbit? I have no idea what it even is."
Blank stares.
Facepalm.
"Oh girl."
"What?? It's like the last Harry Potter movie, right?"
...
Laugh at the people you love.
Manders
Sleep Monster
My sleep deprivation has developed in stages since the dawn of my college career. It started out simple and innocent, missing a few hours here and there, but catching up on the weekends. Eventually, I started pulling all-nighters, sometimes quite frequently but it was fine because I was still young and versatile. Come junior year, I avoided sleep like the plague. Someone once told me that a sleep cycle (4 hours) is enough to function on. That person was so right and so wrong.
This year, I am an old person. Now, in my venerable old age, I have started spiking my coffee with coffee and having sleep-deprived manic panic attacks and early onset bedtime symptoms (which means, I started going to bed during class, piano lessons, morning jogs, and other relaxing activites of the sort).
My body has begun to fight back. It will be robbed of its precious sleep times no longer!!
I don't really know how to accurately describe what's happening here, but it's like my body and conscience have schemed together and created some sort of subconscious, demanding, spiteful alterego. So in the mornings, I try to wake up with enough time to get adequate sustenance and at least spend enough time in ths shower, but my alterego will not let me. It's not like it shuts me down and forces me to sleep through an alarm, it's like it shuts me down and takes over to get out of bed and TURN OFF all four of the alarms I set in the morning before putting me right back to bed.
I HAVE A JOB TO BE AT. I HAVE CLASSES TO ATTEND. THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
I tried changing my alarm tone, I tried setting even MORE alarms (ridiculous, right?), I tried putting my alarm on the other side of the room, despite having to wake my sleeping roommate. I've tried everything people.
Also, it knows what it's doing. It doesn't just let me sleep past my alarms, it wakes me up precisely 15 minutes before I have to be at class/work. Every single morning. Which leaves me just enough time to put a bra on and grab a bagel. I'm gonna be honest, it's best not to venture too close to me these days, because the likelihood of me brushing my teeth any given morning is slim.
laffalittle.
Manders
This year, I am an old person. Now, in my venerable old age, I have started spiking my coffee with coffee and having sleep-deprived manic panic attacks and early onset bedtime symptoms (which means, I started going to bed during class, piano lessons, morning jogs, and other relaxing activites of the sort).
My body has begun to fight back. It will be robbed of its precious sleep times no longer!!
I don't really know how to accurately describe what's happening here, but it's like my body and conscience have schemed together and created some sort of subconscious, demanding, spiteful alterego. So in the mornings, I try to wake up with enough time to get adequate sustenance and at least spend enough time in ths shower, but my alterego will not let me. It's not like it shuts me down and forces me to sleep through an alarm, it's like it shuts me down and takes over to get out of bed and TURN OFF all four of the alarms I set in the morning before putting me right back to bed.
I HAVE A JOB TO BE AT. I HAVE CLASSES TO ATTEND. THIS ISN'T FUNNY!
I tried changing my alarm tone, I tried setting even MORE alarms (ridiculous, right?), I tried putting my alarm on the other side of the room, despite having to wake my sleeping roommate. I've tried everything people.
Also, it knows what it's doing. It doesn't just let me sleep past my alarms, it wakes me up precisely 15 minutes before I have to be at class/work. Every single morning. Which leaves me just enough time to put a bra on and grab a bagel. I'm gonna be honest, it's best not to venture too close to me these days, because the likelihood of me brushing my teeth any given morning is slim.
laffalittle.
Manders
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The Tale of Four Bargain Hunters
There's this sick, twisted part of the Thanksgiving holidays called Black Friday. A sick twisted part where people give up everything that's holy and good and transform into maniacal, crazed beings with an addiction to power and consumerism.
As the years go by, the world of big business seems intent on transforming this activity to make it as sacrilegious as possible. Black Friday has, in recent years, has mutated into Black Thursday and Black Saturday, or as I like to call it, the Weekend of Darkness.
And the sick part of it is that my family does it as a tradition.
I would like to say we boycotted this spillover into Thanksgiving Day, but Wal-Mart had $9 Crock-Pot door busters and $3 tiny blenders at eight o'clock pm Thursday night. How can you say no to handheld kitchen appliances?! I found myself strangely convinced that my life wouldn't be the same without one.
Ok, getting there. Post-Thanksgiving dinner, we strategized a devious plan and mapped a route for maximum success. We determined that the best plan of action would be to take the event in shifts so that we might hit all the best sales and leave time for intermittent naps. Lezbehonest, naps were the one way we could give ourselves a competitive edge over all the other shoppers. When their steps slowed and vision started to blur, we'd zip in and out before they could even shake a fist!
8:00pm - Tiny crockpots and blenders
9:30pm - Nap
12:00am - Shoe doorbusters and $10 dollar off coupon
1:30am - Go back home and nap
5:00am - More blenders?
5:30am - Frantic hunt for caffeine
6:00am - Huge appliance sale - toaster ovens $8
7:00am - Losing competitive edge
7:30am - BOGO shoe sale disappointment
8:00pm - Return home, annihilated but successful
After getting our fair share of tiny blenders and crock-pots and returning home for a brief reboot, we headed back into the frenzy. When we arrived at the shoe doorbuster place (I gotta admit, the only real reason I participated in all of this), there was a line forming outside the door to the establishment. I was overcome by sheer terror and shopping mania like a good little consumer and I lept out of the moving vehicle (sorta) and fled toward the line. It was on. I scanned the premises, looking for anyone who showed signs of going after a $10 pair of black faux leather boots. They looked handle-able.
I was so wrong.
That day, I learned the true meaning of the phrase "never get between a woman and her shoes". I was just trying to get a cute new pair of boots but every other woman in there was trying to start a whole new wardrobe from scratch like her very life was depending on it. I swear, these women brought personal attendants to help them hold their purchases.
So, I didn't get the shoes I wanted.
After that, things started getting crazy. I found that we started to lose our grips on reality, charging around the stores like madmen on a mission, then realizing we had nothing to buy. It's contagious! It was time for coffee. We zippity dee doo-ed over to the local grocery store only to find it closed. As most grocery stores are at 2 am. We saw, in the distance, a lighted gas station and hope was re-ignited! My great aunt, still in attack mode, whipped a u-ey in the parking lot. "Oops, I should probably drive straight so I don't look drunk and have to explain to all my church people."
We piled into the gas station and made a huddle around the coffee machine. As we were trying to figure out how to man the operating levers and buttons and whatnot, we were completely oblivious to the poor woman just trying to put a lid on it (her coffee, that is). I'm pretty sure she spent a good 2.5 minutes outside our huddle looking in.
As an aside, Iowans can buy alcohol at the local gas station, at any time of day. I guess Iowa needed some incentive to get people to live there.
As the years go by, the world of big business seems intent on transforming this activity to make it as sacrilegious as possible. Black Friday has, in recent years, has mutated into Black Thursday and Black Saturday, or as I like to call it, the Weekend of Darkness.
And the sick part of it is that my family does it as a tradition.
I would like to say we boycotted this spillover into Thanksgiving Day, but Wal-Mart had $9 Crock-Pot door busters and $3 tiny blenders at eight o'clock pm Thursday night. How can you say no to handheld kitchen appliances?! I found myself strangely convinced that my life wouldn't be the same without one.
Ok, getting there. Post-Thanksgiving dinner, we strategized a devious plan and mapped a route for maximum success. We determined that the best plan of action would be to take the event in shifts so that we might hit all the best sales and leave time for intermittent naps. Lezbehonest, naps were the one way we could give ourselves a competitive edge over all the other shoppers. When their steps slowed and vision started to blur, we'd zip in and out before they could even shake a fist!
8:00pm - Tiny crockpots and blenders
9:30pm - Nap
12:00am - Shoe doorbusters and $10 dollar off coupon
1:30am - Go back home and nap
5:00am - More blenders?
5:30am - Frantic hunt for caffeine
6:00am - Huge appliance sale - toaster ovens $8
7:00am - Losing competitive edge
7:30am - BOGO shoe sale disappointment
8:00pm - Return home, annihilated but successful
After getting our fair share of tiny blenders and crock-pots and returning home for a brief reboot, we headed back into the frenzy. When we arrived at the shoe doorbuster place (I gotta admit, the only real reason I participated in all of this), there was a line forming outside the door to the establishment. I was overcome by sheer terror and shopping mania like a good little consumer and I lept out of the moving vehicle (sorta) and fled toward the line. It was on. I scanned the premises, looking for anyone who showed signs of going after a $10 pair of black faux leather boots. They looked handle-able.
I was so wrong.
That day, I learned the true meaning of the phrase "never get between a woman and her shoes". I was just trying to get a cute new pair of boots but every other woman in there was trying to start a whole new wardrobe from scratch like her very life was depending on it. I swear, these women brought personal attendants to help them hold their purchases.
So, I didn't get the shoes I wanted.
After that, things started getting crazy. I found that we started to lose our grips on reality, charging around the stores like madmen on a mission, then realizing we had nothing to buy. It's contagious! It was time for coffee. We zippity dee doo-ed over to the local grocery store only to find it closed. As most grocery stores are at 2 am. We saw, in the distance, a lighted gas station and hope was re-ignited! My great aunt, still in attack mode, whipped a u-ey in the parking lot. "Oops, I should probably drive straight so I don't look drunk and have to explain to all my church people."
We piled into the gas station and made a huddle around the coffee machine. As we were trying to figure out how to man the operating levers and buttons and whatnot, we were completely oblivious to the poor woman just trying to put a lid on it (her coffee, that is). I'm pretty sure she spent a good 2.5 minutes outside our huddle looking in.
As an aside, Iowans can buy alcohol at the local gas station, at any time of day. I guess Iowa needed some incentive to get people to live there.
This is what the JCPenney sales clerks saw as they walked past the front doors. "Can we just stand inside, it's cold out here!!" They took pity. They let us huddle on the little red welcome mat inside the front doors, which happened to be strategically placed next to the bathroom. I realized I had to release the dragon in my coffee cup now wreaking havoc in my bladder, so I thought I had scored pretty well. Funny thing is, they don't turn on the lights in the bathroom until they start selling things off their shelves and trying to find one of the toilets in a public bathroom in the dark isn't something I'd ever like to replicate. As I was sitting there frightened but progressively relieved, the lights flickered on for 4 seconds. Then back off. Cruel, cruel world.
So anyways, we divided and conquered JCPenney as you might expect. Kitchen appliances were $8 a piece, my brother came out like Rachael Ray's personal kitchen. Anyways, we stopped at McDonalds on the way home to pick up breakfast which was the last indication that we were no longer society appropriate and needed to go home to bed. My aunt pulled the SUV so far up, the speaker was aimed directly at the rear bumper, and the clerk still managed to hear my her yelling the contents of the menu to the rest of the car. "They have egg wraps, sausage McMuffins, Egg McMuffins, yogurt, burritos, and hash browns! What do you want?"
The voice out of the speakers, "All right, that will be $25"
"Wait....no....that's not....no, please clear the menu. Ma'am? MA'AM!"
And that's how the day ended. Back in the privacy of my aunt's house, we carried out the rest of the day sleeping peacefully in bed.
And that, my friends, is how to simultaneously do and not do Black Friday.
Laugh a little!
Manders. <3
Thursday, October 25, 2012
If at first you don't succeed, find a friend who gets it.
A few things.
First, I'm bending my own rules as to the content of this blog. I can do that. I tried posting things that make people laugh so that I could make people laugh but, you know, sometimes you just have to be there. So I've created an amendment that allows me to include happy stories, too.
Second, I realize that most of these funny stories are at my expense. I feel okay about it, if you're concerned.
On to bigger and better things. I'm not a fan of whining in general, some might even say it's my pet peeve, but regardless of how I feel about it, some days start out as a pain in the gluteals (if ya know what I mean) and then just go downhill from there. Yesterday was one of those days. I walked into class sucking air down into my throat in furious desperation (I'll tell you more about that in a second), plopped down next to my classmate who just looked at me. Like she knew. Like, in that moment, we were united in our misery. She knew about the stairs! The look in her eyes told me that, once again, she had tried to climb the 120 Quad stairs and once again they had defeated her!
We chatted for a bit about our own personal struggles, each one being worse than the one before. I told her I had just spilled coffee all over my shirt and pants. My one bright part of the day had come back to bite me in the rear (I mean, I don't even know how, I was just talking. It was like a baby momentarily invaded my body and spit up all over my last pair of fresh clothes). She told me she had run out of clean clothes to wear a week ago. I pulled our crumpled and ripped group paper out of my backpack and mumbled a brief apology, and she said, "I'M WEARING MY SHIRT BACKWARDS. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS." I was taken aback. I had never expected such a reaction, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. When you look down at that malicious little white square, you realize that today is the day you can't even succeed at dressing yourself and it's hard to focus on the good things in life.
That's all folks. Don't laugh at others' struggles, but laugh at how pitiful your own seem when your friend is wearing shirts backwards.
P.S. Is it weird that one of my biggest fears is spontaneously vomiting in class?
Manders
First, I'm bending my own rules as to the content of this blog. I can do that. I tried posting things that make people laugh so that I could make people laugh but, you know, sometimes you just have to be there. So I've created an amendment that allows me to include happy stories, too.
Second, I realize that most of these funny stories are at my expense. I feel okay about it, if you're concerned.
On to bigger and better things. I'm not a fan of whining in general, some might even say it's my pet peeve, but regardless of how I feel about it, some days start out as a pain in the gluteals (if ya know what I mean) and then just go downhill from there. Yesterday was one of those days. I walked into class sucking air down into my throat in furious desperation (I'll tell you more about that in a second), plopped down next to my classmate who just looked at me. Like she knew. Like, in that moment, we were united in our misery. She knew about the stairs! The look in her eyes told me that, once again, she had tried to climb the 120 Quad stairs and once again they had defeated her!
We chatted for a bit about our own personal struggles, each one being worse than the one before. I told her I had just spilled coffee all over my shirt and pants. My one bright part of the day had come back to bite me in the rear (I mean, I don't even know how, I was just talking. It was like a baby momentarily invaded my body and spit up all over my last pair of fresh clothes). She told me she had run out of clean clothes to wear a week ago. I pulled our crumpled and ripped group paper out of my backpack and mumbled a brief apology, and she said, "I'M WEARING MY SHIRT BACKWARDS. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS." I was taken aback. I had never expected such a reaction, but the more I thought about it, the more I knew she was right. When you look down at that malicious little white square, you realize that today is the day you can't even succeed at dressing yourself and it's hard to focus on the good things in life.
That's all folks. Don't laugh at others' struggles, but laugh at how pitiful your own seem when your friend is wearing shirts backwards.
P.S. Is it weird that one of my biggest fears is spontaneously vomiting in class?
Manders
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)